Mini-Book Review: “Never Enough” by Jennifer Breheny Wallace
I purchased "Never Enough" on a whim, thinking that I'd be deep diving into adult pressures in the adult world/workplace. Jokes on me...maybe I should've noted the rundown pencil on the cover as a dead ringer for a K-12 focus. It worked out though! As someone who's been working with adults to define their goals and create measurable steps to success, reading this really broke down where the drive for exceeding expectations seems to have begun. While it focuses on highly affluent white communities in larger cities, I believe that it's easy to see that this is supposed to serve as a conversation starter for a wider problem that we're seeing in grade school aged groups. "Achievement pressure" spans socioeconomic status and may be a contributing factor to the rise in adolescent anxiety and depression.
What I found most interesting was how well intentioned parents looking to create the most desirable outcomes for their children when they "leave the nest" are unintentionally creating an environment where their child's worth is tied to certain standards of achievement. The main theme throughout the book was how to convey to your children that they matter. In an especially hard chapter, for a child to learn that they matter it must be modeled to them by a parent who understands their own self worth. When I ask friends and colleagues about their goals, most of the time they can't answer the question. We spend a lot of time creating checkboxes to click for a life that has no defined goals or our own measures of personal success. We create expectations based on what we're seeing and hearing, an imaginary line drawn in the sand about what will make ourselves and our children stand out among the crowd. All in an effort to find happiness and success. In turn, we're missing loads of opportunities to love them where they are and let them know that regardless of the bar, they matter to us.
My friend Trent and I talked about some of the concepts in the book and how they intersect with some of the ideas that we've been exploring at work during the latest episode of my podcast "Beyond the Desk." I felt like this read was especially hard hitting in the wake of standardized testing and a popular post on social media surrounding the mental load our children bear. We’ve worked hard to put developmentally appropriate standards in place (reasonable) but the stakes of not achieving them at the exact right moment costs a teacher their job or a district their funding, therefore, putting adult sized pressure on 7 year olds (unreasonable). Rather than questioning if the pressure is causing a mental health crisis we choose to over schedule with supplementary resources (or taking the test over and over again) to further drive home the point that the degree in which you perform is the measure of your worth. We leave little to no time to just exist and know that we matter to someone else.
Wallace rounds the book out with some great actionable items to work towards achieving (ironic use of the word) balance in maintaining standards and structure while developing a deep sense of personal self. I didn't see it as a slap on the wrist to a generation of parents who want their children to win in the ways of wealth and happiness, it came across as a call to action to make certain that your well-intentioned ideas are accomplished by creating the safe space your child needs to do so and that you aren't driving yourself into the ground in the process. We all have to do hard things. The beauty in the successes is that we did it together for the purposes of mattering, not for the achievement award waiting for us at the top of the mountain.
One of the book reviews on goodreads (u/n ashley) put perfectly how it felt like it was missing a key religious component. "It was like writing a book about how to get to the moon without ever mentioning the math." I did find it ironic that the lesson at church this morning was about how love does not have a diminishing return. We don't receive love from God by 'doing' and He doesn't withhold love because we've made a wrong choice. When you put your worth in the things above, when you hold on to God's love and cling to His vision, out of the overflow we will always have love to give. There are days where I feel like I'm trying to pour from an empty bucket and those are the days I find hardest not to cling to a checklist, but rather to lean into the love of God and let my source of strength come from there. Matt (our preacher) also spoke about how there are times where a loving action is not received as love (i.e. our attempts to push our children into the successes that are defined by others). I loved how easily applicable a Christian worldview could be applied to the overall themes of the book.
I can't wait for the new episode to drop tomorrow! It was not what I intended but it was truly a conversation from the heart with a long time friend. I can't wait to hear your feedback <3
